Friday, June 28, 2013

MY MOVIE 43 REVIEW, january 29, 2013


I have been to the mountaintop; I have seen the summit. I have seen bad movies- the kind that are "so bad they are good" movies, the ones whose content goes beyond the pale and goes for the extreme, the ones made with the direct intention of being a bomb (*cough, cough!* Uwe Boll *cough!*), the ones that were phoned in, cashed in, sold out, maligned; failures due to any amount of inconsistency, incompetence or any amount of words starting with "in". All of these movies are mere shadows compared to the most towering turd ever committed to the big screen: MOVIE 43.

This is the worst movie I have seen. Its sole reason of being is to either be a punishment to losing a bet or, I'm assuming (based on the sheer star power of some of its actors) , blackmail. 

It's a testament to the ultimate ethic of creating a movie going beyond utter incomprehension at what you're watching. Making you audibly cry out "WHAT... THE... #@&$?!?!?!" It creates incredulity and sometimes nausea. I won't even bother to start on the minutia of what it does in cinematic terms- this isn't a movie that even bothers to competently make a case for its existence- it throws you in a bucket, defecates on you, lights you on fire and dumps a gallon of cat spray to put you out. 
It's the closest version of the aristocrats joke ethos ever put to film- go for the worst, grossest, gnarliest scenario and hit with a ludicrous punchline. Here's the kicker: there is no punchline- some segments have endings but nowhere is there any resolution at all. If you want a comparison here it is: it's the sickest most offensive stuff on FAMILY GUY cut together as skits with a real cast. Oh, and a cartoon cat.

I have got to hand it to everyone involved with this: you all truly committed 100% to make this utter piece of crap the worst one ever made in the history of utter pieces of crap. This isn't a movie- it's an initiation, an extreme one-like drinking your own pee. A bonding experience in the same way people connect with others who have shared a traumatic event. I am utterly convinced this movie was either the most effective act of revenge directed at a movie studio or a huge tax write off for everyone involved ("Hire the biggest actors you know, pay them whatever they want and make a movie guaranteed to post a loss.") Either way, spoiler alert: YOU SUCCEEDED! 

If you are going to watch this- don't bring kids, go in fully knowing that you are going to see an abomination- the cinematic equivalent of a tumor. Do not watch it alone, (DEFINITELY not with a date, unless your significant other and yourself have either been together for a long time, or are on the same wavelength) preferably with one to four friends. The louder the better, and maybe as a drinking game because if any movie begs for chemical enhancement it's this one.

It took four years to make this atrocity based on all the actors' schedules- it will take that long to forget it. Some things seen can never be unseen- this truly applies here: it is unforgettable in every way possible- none of them good. The only way I will ever see this again, is just to prove to people that it even exists; that there is a movie where Hugh Jackman has a scrotum growing from his neck, Anna Farris wants her fiancee played by Chris Pratt (a real life married couple) to poop on her, Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber (ANOTHER real life couple- man, what dirt did the filmmakers have on these guys) bully, torture, humiliate and sexually harass their home schooled son, that attempts to make Chloe Merentz's first period into a skit, Jason Sudekis plays the douchiest Batman EVER and helped Halle Berry make a movie worse than CATWOMAN. In fact, that movie is the original Star Wars compared to this one on the fail scale. The best part of this movie is the laughs you will have with your friend (or friends) about just. how. bad. this is. It does linger, in fact- it wafts. God, does it waft...

NO redemption; truly made as a curiosity piece and as a companion piece for cancer, because if there is anything that will make you welcome death it's this. The mountaintop is mount everest and the summit of pure shit is MOVIE 43. Welcome, and I pity you. You have my sympathy.


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